I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
