So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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