my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
