If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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