His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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