I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Mom said you looked used
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
