i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
PANTIES FOUND
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