Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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