My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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