I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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