i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
