The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
