not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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