I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
