There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
