my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You've changed since you got that strap on
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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