I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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