he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
false alarm, still single
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
