Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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