thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize