Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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