I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
