naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
