it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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