I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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