I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
