Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
