I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
