i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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