The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
