He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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