Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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