you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
