I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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