i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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