4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
