somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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