I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
