my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Its about making memories worth repressing
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
