i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
