I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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