I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my shit smells like andre
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
