I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
