I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
