i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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