I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
