I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
