if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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