Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
