so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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