whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
