I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize