You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
