i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
