I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
