hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
