The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
