his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
only you would photoshop your dick
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
